No thanks Kevin – the psychology of courage.
Depending on where you are in the world, COVID-19 will be affecting you in different ways. If you’re in Sydney like me, you’re entering week 8 of a minimum 12-week lockdown. The moment Gladys (the NSW premier) uttered those words to extend the lockdown, my Kevin was so loud in my head; I could hardly hear what she was saying. The overwhelm of running a business on top of home-schooling the children with my wife for another 4 weeks (and possibly longer) had my Kevin in my head saying, “There’s just no way you’re going to be able to do this”. But that’s what my Kevin does. Kevin whispers or sometimes yells in my head that I am not worthy and that I am not good enough.
Who’s Kevin? Kevin is that negative voice inside our head. He’s the part of our brain that tries to keep us playing small and doubting ourselves. Now, I will take a moment to apologise to all the actual Kevin’s out there who are fantastic people. Sorry!
I first came across Kevin through my research into courage. I was exploring the research that had been conducted on the impact of visualising that unhelpful thoughts and emotions are external to you. This is where you literally picture that those thoughts and emotions come from an external character. The data showed that this strategy was incredibly effective and helped adults and children with ADHD, OCD, anxiety and simply people who had limiting beliefs that hold them back from doing things that challenge them.
Initially, when I read this research (and possibly you reading this article!), I was skeptical and dismissed it thinking, ‘I am not going to visualise that my negative thoughts come from some sort of character!’. But then I thought about how I shouldn’t dismiss something before giving it a real go. I first started to practice this concept before difficult presentations (where I have to be courageous). In that context I can get overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions where I predict disaster, and it really affects my performance. I started to visualise that the negative voice came from the two old guys from the Muppets, Statler and Waldorf, who sit up in the stalls and heckle everyone on the stage. To my surprise, it worked incredibly well! I still had those same negative thoughts, but they had less control over me. Visualising that the negative thoughts and emotions come from those characters allowed me to just go, ‘yeah those guys are always there but they aren’t in charge……. I control my performance, not them’.
Following this insight, I started to conduct interviews to see if others used a similar strategy to display courage. The most powerful confirmation that this visualisation works came from the most unlikely of sources - a performer called Catherine Wait. Catherine is a multidisciplinary circus and physical theatre artist (is that a cool job title or what?). Basically, in her performance she carries out a boat load of challenging and dangerous acts that can go horribly wrong if she is not on her game.
I asked her ‘Just to begin before you go out on stage and perform these dangerous activities do you feel fear and anxiety?” Her reply was ‘Of course I do, I am human, have you seen the crazy stuff I do?’
Point taken.
‘Ok so how do you manage those negative thoughts and that negative chatter?’
She said ‘Do you mean Kevin?’
There was an awkward silence, in which I was thinking this just got real weird, real fast. Geeez artistic people.
‘Ummm I am not sure who Kevin is, but I am interested in how you stop your negative internal dialogue from derailing your performance.’
Once again, she says ‘Yeah that’s Kevin’.
In a mix of confusion and frustration I replied, ‘Who the hell is Kevin?’
Catherine calmly explained the way she manages that voice is through the character she created, Kevin. Kevin is the voice that tells her she is going to screw up, that says she is not good enough and that people don’t enjoy her performances.
Catherine said, “When I gave that voice a character it had less control over me. I am able to put Kevin off to the side and he doesn’t run the show. I accept that Kevin will always be there. Some performances he is loud and, in my face, other performances he is quiet and, in the background. Regardless of how intrusive he is I always say, ‘No thanks Kevin, you can go sit in the corner because I have a job to do!”
I started to share this story and concept in my keynotes and workshops retelling Catherine’s story. The concept really resonated with people, Kevin was a hit. They used Kevin to be more courageous. They didn’t let Kevin stop them from having the hard conversation, trying something new or stretching their comfort zone. They visualise that Kevin always appears when they try to be courageous, that it’s normal to have all those thoughts and emotions, but Kevin isn’t going to stop them from doing what is important to them.
We currently face great challenge, and we need to be courageous in order to exhibit constructive and thoughtful behaviours in the following areas:
1. Be functional and productive at work
2. Stay connected in our personal life and
3. Support our own mental health and wellbeing.
Unfortunately, our most recent research shows that most people get controlled by their Kevin. They let him run their behaviour and push them around. The result is they often fall into dysfunctional behaviour that stop them living the life they want to live. When we are under a lot of pressure we want our behaviour to be helpful and constructive, but Kevin often leads us in the wrong direction.
The capacity to control our Kevin is what I explore in my new keynote “No thanks Kevin – the psychology of courage”. Here are some key steps to consider in order to manage that voice:
1. Realise that everyone has a Kevin. We all have that negative voice that tries to make us play small. In my workshops with leaders and teams, I get people to share what their Kevin says to them (obviously we do a lot of work to build trust and psychological safety first) with the group. What stuns people is how similar that negative voice is across the group.
2. We will never get rid of Kevin. Many people spend their whole life trying to make Kevin go away. When we fight our Kevin, he gains power and influence. When we accept that Kevin will always be around, he has less control over us.
3. Externalising our unhelpful thoughts and emotions gives us perspective and choice. When we put space between us and Kevin we can look at what he says as an unhelpful internal chatter rather than a command we have to follow.
So go forth and embrace your Kevin, just ensure you take his advice with a grain of salt.
Do you have a Kevin and what do you call them?